Motherhood is a lonely job. I’m sure I’m not the only one who missed that line in the job description.
Loneliness is tricky. He looks different for each of us, and he often comes and goes as he pleases. It’s hard to know when Loneliness might come busting in the door, opening the fridge, and making itself at home.
Maybe you’re in it, feeling the weight of loneliness so hard it’s difficult to get out of bed in the morning. Or perhaps you’re in a season of plenty, but remember a time of isolation and sadness.
It’s Mother’s Day, and while there are all types of mothers, one thread that often runs through our lives is that of loneliness. I know I’ve been there, am there, and will be again. So, I thought I’d speak today directly to the lonely moms; maybe I’m talking to myself, too.
Dear Lonely Mom,
Hi.
I’m not sure why I’m writing this. I don’t have any wise words to say about loneliness. And certainly no answers or sage advice. I suppose I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone, even if you’re feeling lonely.
I’m lonely too.
I wrestled with this letter. I know I’m not the first to acknowledge the loneliness we often feel in motherhood. Honestly, some of my words feel hollow, the thoughts half-formed and disjointed (is it still baby brain if you’re a year postpartum?). I’m afraid these words won’t accurately let you into the thoughts of my head or the feelings in my heart.
So, while it feels like it’s coming up short, I’ll say the words anyway. Maybe there’s a snippet in here that will bring you hope, or help you release the breath you’ve been holding. After all, you never know who might be listening.
Truthfully, I don’t usually feel lonely. I’m an introvert and generally like being by myself. I lived alone before marriage and learned the value of my own company early. Give me a notebook and my thoughts, and I can entertain myself for hours.
But I’ve found motherhood lonely. This could mainly be because we’re also military. The core group of women or other families we had nearby when the kids were born are now spread far and wide. While I know it’s not the only reason, that’s a large part of my story these last few years.
Add in everything else that comes with motherhood: new schedules and routines, little to no sleep, continuing to give up your bodily autonomy if you’re breastfeeding, new dynamics in your marriage, the personalities of your new baby, not to mention getting to know your new self. Navigating it all is exhausting and isolating.
Desperately Seeking Myself
As I get to know my new self, I find I’m lonely for the person I used to be.
Is that a thing? Can you be lonely for yourself? Motherhood has changed so much of me, both inside and out. Physically and mentally, I feel like a different person. Heck, even my hair changed from straight to wavy. I’m different now in ways that I can’t even really acknowledge. Did it change you, too?
Are you lonely for yourself? For the company of other adults? For a conversation that isn’t held in the bathroom while someone poops?
So much of our identity is wrapped up in our tiny humans. It can be hard to separate yourselves from them in the first few months, even for a moment. They need so much from us. And, as mothers, we’re willing to give. But all gifts come at a cost.
It can be hard to remember who we are outside of our children or our homes. It takes a while to find ourselves again; once we do, we might not recognize the person we see. Relearning who we are is a process.
After two kids, I’ve learned it takes me a while to feel more like my old self. For me, there is usually a shift at three months and then one closer to a year. The first time this happened, I was surprised it took me that long to want to do things I used to love.
Seeing myself return to things that bring me joy, like writing, helps dispel the loneliness somewhat. I’m finding myself again by making time for hobbies or activities I once loved. Of course, it helps that the kids have gotten a little older.
I’m practicing giving myself grace. I’ll never go back to the person I was before kids, but I can reawaken parts of her that I loved. Working them into my new normal will take time. After all, we all become mothers in a moment, but we spend a lifetime becoming mothers.
Where is the Village?
Naturally, the becoming is easier when you have a community or support system around you. I can speak from experience; we don’t always have that. But with time, it comes.
It’s important to remember that we (read: I) have to keep showing up. We can’t let loneliness allow us to sit back and miss out on our lives. Show up in big and small ways. For me, that’s an uncomfortable and trying thing. I like people, but I’m generally choosy about who I spend time with. Taking my children to story time with 15 other parents, where I need to make small talk with people I don’t know, is not my idea of fun.
But it’s essential for both me and my kids that I keep showing up. Turns out, small talk gets a little easier the more you do it. These interactions allow me to be known and recognized, even if only superficially. And that is the beginning of carving out a new community.
It’s also important to remember – we have to tell people where we are. People, in general, are not mind readers. No one knows we’re lonely or hurting unless we tell them. I’ll be the first to admit – I’m not great at that.
As it turns out, it’s hard to ask for help. And it can be even harder to accept it. But people can’t meet you where you are if you don’t tell them where you are.
There is a village for you. It just might not look like you imagined (mine sure doesn’t). People are in your corner, rooting for you, praying for you from afar.
Loneliness Doesn’t Last Forever
The beauty (and hardship) of life is that we generally don’t stay in one place for long. Seasons change, and so do we. This is only one chapter in your story.
Even though he’ll leave this time, I know I will see Loneliness again. He tends to come around, like an old acquaintance you never quite got along with; someone you wish would go away. He won’t go away all at once, or even completely.
Here’s a reminder to you (and to me): Be gentle and patient with yourself. Do your best to keep showing up even when it’s hard. Focus on what you have to gain. Speak kindly to yourself – you’re blazing a new path. None of us has ever been where we are today.
There is goodness here, too, in the loneliness. We might not see it right away, but usually in hindsight, we can see the hand of God working with and for us. So take heart, mama. This feeling won’t last forever. You are not alone.
Keep writing your story.
Need Something More?
Even in the loneliness, it’s important to remember God is with us. He cares for us and about us, even when it doesn’t feel like it. May these verses bring you closer to His presence and remind you that you are a beloved child of God.
Just click the link below and download them. There’s no email requirement and nothing to sign up for.
Bible Verses for When You’re Feeling Lonely
Also, I recently learned about an app called White Flag. It’s free, and the idea is to connect people who feel lonely and need someone to talk to. It is based on a peer support model, so you likely won’t connect with a licensed therapist. I haven’t used it, but wanted to make sure you knew about it, too. Here’s a story about it from ABC News/Good Morning America.