Learning to Dance in the Rain

Into each life, some rain must fall – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

When it rains, it pours.  But I’m learning rainy days are good too, even if they don’t always feel like it.

I’ve been putting off any post about our failed pregnancy for a while.  I’ve been journaling a lot, but any writing for public view feels hard.  Honestly, it’s like slogging through mud.  I’m not quite sure why – writing has always been work, but in recent weeks it’s been especially hard.

Part of me wonders if it’s because I haven’t yet publicly shared about our experience last fall.  The eight weeks from finding out our pregnancy wasn’t viable to a clean bill of health were long, and I think about them often.

Look Up, Not Down

I have good days and bad days, as one would expect.  I’m spending less time on social media, as many friends have recently announced pregnancies and successful births. While I’m unbelievably happy for them, I also am not in a place to celebrate them properly.

While I’m still not sure the best way or place to write about our journey, I know I can’t just sweep it under the rug.  (I’m reminded of a time in my 20s when I wrecked my mom’s car.  Still, to this day, I’m not entirely sure what happened, other than I was hit on the passenger side.  When I got out to assess the damage, I distinctly remember thinking, “Well, I can’t hide this.”)  These emotions are uncomfortable for me (and probably for you), but it’s necessary to bring them to light.

I suspect, in the coming weeks, I’ll write more about this experience both on the blog and possibly other platforms.  But for now, I want to share something I wrote back in April.  Often, while walking Fred in the late morning sun, words flow more easily.  I do my best to capture them, but sometimes they’re not ready to be shared.  God knew, months ago, I’d need these words now.

Rainy Days are Good, too

The Spring weather this week has been keeping me on my toes.  One day, it’s in the mid-70s and gorgeous.  A faint breeze keeps things comfortable, and I can wear shorts while walking the pup.  The next day is cloudy and gray, drizzling with rain.  I leave the house without a coat, only to return wet and cold.

Rainy days can catch us off guard.  Weather is hard to predict, and even if it’s in the forecast, there’s still no guarantee.  The weather outside, just like our internal mindsets, is often unpredictable.  Emotionally rainy days sneak up, and we find ourselves floundering and unprepared.

Sometimes, on those unsuspecting, emotionally rainy days, I feel like this dandelion.  I’m uneven, barely holding it together, looking a bit like a drowned dog.  Those are days I don’t want to be around myself, much less around anyone else.  I want to hunker down and wait for the sun to come and dry me out again.

But even on the rainy days, the days I feel less than who I’m meant to be, there’s good to be found.  The gray backdrop of the sky causes other colors to shine differently.  They’re more vibrant and brilliant; saturated.

Rainy days are hard, especially if there’s more than one in a row.  The air stays cool, the sun stays hidden, and we retreat indoors.  We are desperate to cover ourselves and stay as dry as possible.  But to grow, to reach our fullest potential and blossom in our brightest colors, we need the rainy days.  It’s these days that challenge us, spur us forward.

Too much rain can put anyone a bit on edge.  And just like rainy days, sometimes we are powerless to pull ourselves out of the less-than-ideal situation where we find ourselves.  But by looking for the good, however small, we can start to work through the rain.

Although it may rain for a while, I know the sun will shine again.  There’s beauty and cleansing in the rain, just like there’s beauty in this part of our story.  It’s not always easy to see, and we may not see anything grow from it this side of heaven, but I know there’s a reason.  I’ll keep looking up, catching the rain on my face, if you will too.

Friend, is something bringing rain your way?  Are you feeling overwhelmed, sad, or exhausted?  Maybe you’ve made your way through the rain and are finally enjoying a long-awaited rainbow.  If you’re still watching the rain, I invite you to join me, pull your jacket tighter around your shoulders and slog through the rain.  Look for the colors that pop and the beauty in small things, knowing the sun is coming to dry you out soon.  Rain, thankfully, is temporary.  There is an end.  We will get through this together.

[If you’re carrying something heavy and want to chat about it, my email inbox is always open.  Sometimes we just need a person to listen and acknowledge our struggle.]