It’s hard to give grace in real time. Often, when we need it most, it’s hard to find.
Grace has a few definitions. If you were to look it up in the dictionary, you’d see definitions like, “an ease and fluidity of movement or manner,” “a pleasing appearance,” and even “a short prayer before a meal.”
But I think the definition that resonates with me the most is the Christian definition. In Christianity, God’s grace is viewed as his favor toward the unworthy. Grace, as it relates to sin, is not getting what we deserve.
When we make a poor choice, we expect punishment, either physically or emotionally. As if God’s love could be taken away from us because of a choice we make (spoiler alert: it doesn’t work that way).
This week, as we settle into new school routines, I find myself thinking about grace.
Remembering Grace When Things Don’t Go As Planned
I’m writing this on Friday, the last day in a long first-week-of-school week.
Today has not been my day.
For starters, I woke up 45 minutes late, thinking it was Saturday. Thankfully, I set my alarm to go off a little more than an hour before I have to get the kids up. So I wasn’t late late. But I didn’t get much quiet time for myself before the chaos started.
Then, we had maintenance come by to fix a doorstop in the wall of my son’s room. As a bonus of on-post living, I don’t have to figure out DIY home projects. I knew this man was coming, and if I had really thought about it, I would have had an idea of what he would do to fix the problem. But I didn’t think about it.
After he left, I discovered the room covered in drywall dust from a patch job done with the fan on. I spent the rest of the morning cleaning while my younger son watched TV. Definitely not the day I had planned for us.
Let me be clear, neither of these things is a major event. At best, these are normal inconveniences of living as a human in the world. They are very much first-world problems.
But sometimes knowing something logically and knowing something emotionally are two very different things.
What If We Assumed The Best?
Because it’s Friday, we’ve just finished our first full week of Pre-K for our oldest. He went three days a week last year for about two months before the program broke for summer vacation.
Naturally, I thought our experience last year, coupled with the program being only a half-day, would save us from some of the first-week-of-school woes.
As you might guess – I was wrong.
This year my son is going to school five mornings a week. And even though today was a great day at school, it was an awful day at home.
You might remember I used to work in childcare. I’m very familiar with the idea that children often hold it together well at school, only to completely melt down once they’re home. To my surprise, today’s challenges started almost as soon as the kids woke up.
Of course, this is my first time on the parenting side. And I feel like I’m fighting for my life over here. My usually sweet, obedient, considerate older child is suddenly defiant, rude, and emotional.
This morning was strained, although nothing was out of the ordinary. Mostly, it was me asking him to brush his teeth and change his clothes, and him outright refusing.
I Don’t Always Respond Like I Want To
As a rule, I’m anti-spanking. It’s not out of the question (I remember being spanked a few times, and those few instances left an impression). But if I have to resort to that method, I prefer to save it for weightier times.
Our primary method of punishment is taking away privileges such as TV, Yoto, and toy cars during rest time. We’ve also recently introduced time-out.
But I don’t like discipline, even though it’s a necessary part of parenthood and childhood. Working in childcare, discipline felt more black-and-white. With my own children, there’s often more nuance.
Usually, I try to look for the source of the behavior. Behavior, after all, is communication, even if it doesn’t always feel that way in the moment.
But with emotions high on all sides today, I couldn’t see his behavior for (maybe) what it is – exhaustion. Even though his school day is short, I know he’s tired. Often I can see it. And he has napped so well this week.
It wasn’t until I saw Jen Hatmaker’s annual post about the first week of school that I was reminded: maybe he’s just tired.
Today, though, in the thick of it, that was not my first thought. Instead, I wondered why he was willfully choosing to disobey. And maybe, on some level, it was a willful choice. But what if it wasn’t?
Practice Reaching for Grace
I know I wasn’t in the right every time today. I know my raised voice isn’t helping the situation. But in the moment, it was the only thing my brain could think to do.
It’s weird to be parenting your child and yourself at the same time.
Next time, I’ll try to remind myself to reach for grace first and look for the reasons these behaviors are coming out in the first place. And, rather than punishing what isn’t going right, connect with what is. I also know this is much easier said than done. But we can’t change if we don’t first acknowledge where there is a problem.
Of course, I know I’ll mess up. I’m human, and that’s probably the only thing I can guarantee I will do.
But I’ll also do my best to look for grace first – both for myself and my kids.
After all, we’re all doing this for the first time and learning as we go. And we all hope to be treated better than we deserve. We don’t always make the right choices, but rather than expecting or assigning punishment, what if we looked toward grace?
Let’s look for and assume the best about others and ourselves. It takes practice, but the more we do it, the easier it will come.
Maybe tensions are high in your house, too, after the first week of school. Here’s a little reminder for you: this won’t last forever. You’re doing the best you can, and so is your child. Keep reaching for connection and give yourself and your kiddos grace when things get messed up.
This weekend, may your coffee be full, snacks be plentiful, and children sleep in!
