The reality of creative work is that you often don’t feel like you have anything meaningful to say. That’s me this week.
I’ve got a few other real-life projects occupying my mind, leaving me feeling a bit scattered. Last week’s post was one I’ve been thinking about and writing in fits and spurts for a long time. Anytime I finish a big project, even if it only feels big to me, I find myself a bit adrift. So this week I’m without direction or motivation, a bit more than I might be otherwise.
But I have an (admittedly self-imposed) schedule of posting here once a week. The idea behind the schedule isn’t rigidity, but keeping me accountable to a writing habit. Right now, that habit is a pretty solo activity. I’m not part of a group or class. No one would know if I didn’t do it. Except me. I would.
Folding My Paper in Half
In 3rd grade, we had a weekly journal assignment that was graded. We were given class time to complete it, and I’m sure there was some expectation as to how long entries would be. Once a week, journals were collected and graded before being handed back.
If I remember correctly, there were few rules for the journal. But the teacher did allow for “private” entries. We could write something, then fold the page (hotdog style), and she would know it was a private entry.
So, naturally, for three days in a row one week, I wrote: “I have nothing to write about.” As per the rules, I folded my paper, wrote private on the outside, and considered myself done.
Much to my shock, the journal came back with points taken off for my lack of writing on those days. Despite the private label, the teacher still read them.
Of course, as an adult, I can see why she would have checked both for completion and content. And I didn’t do myself any favors when I just wrote the one sentence in the middle of the page in big letters. I didn’t even give myself a chance, really.
This week feels like that. Where I just want to write “I have nothing to write about” and call it a day.
When Nothing Notable Happens
There hasn’t been a lot “writing worthy” going on this week. The kids and I have been home a lot. We’re nearly two weeks into potty training the youngest. He’s doing great with it, but spending more time at home means he has lots of time to get comfortable with this new knowledge. Any outings we have had are short and fairly business-oriented (pun intended. We do a “potty tour” early in training to get comfortable with places we visit regularly.)
But still, I want to show up for myself. When I finally regained some brain space and energy for writing, I made a promise to myself. I wanted to make every effort to post once a week. Sometimes, on weeks like this, I have an old piece of writing I can return to. A little editing and it’s ready.
I haven’t even found the energy for that this week. I’m not sure what’s leaving me feeling so adrift, but rather than fight it, I’m just riding the wave. Still, I want to show up for myself, honor my promise, and put something out into the world.
Even though I’d rather fold my paper in half and take the easy way out.
Choosing to Show Up for Myself
Historically, I’m not great at showing up for myself. Back when I was working, I was great at showing up for my job and my co-workers. I would regularly spend extra time outside of work on projects, streamlining processes, or making notes for my future predecessor. There were even times I put jobs before my health.
Other people’s wants and needs often come before my own, although I’ve been getting better about that in recent years. Becoming a mother has taught me a lot about myself and what I need to show up as my best self for my family. And I’m doing better about asking for what I need.
I’m quick to abandon a workout routine when my schedule gets wonky (which it always does). Life happens, and I don’t usually fight for time in my day to move my body. But that’s not the kind of person I want to be.
This week’s post is like a workout that’s all about getting the reps in. The goal is just to move and use my muscles. I’m not sure if it’s a workout where every rep feels too easy and I’m bored to death, or one where every rep is just a little too heavy and I want to give up. Regardless, I want to keep the muscles moving.
So today, in real time with whoever might be reading this right now, I’m practicing showing up for myself. There isn’t anything earth-shattering in this post. Just me, keeping a promise to myself that was barely a whisper at its start.
Maybe it will encourage you to honor the commitment you made to yourself, even on the days you don’t want to. Even on the days you feel like you don’t have anything to share, keep showing up. The world needs people who keep showing up, even when it’s hard.
